Just tell me

December 28, 2012, ~6AM.

Dark in the room, surreal.  Lizzie laying there white and pale laying still.  Early in the morning. surreal.  Bill and I were both there.  The Chief Resident was doing early morning rounds, routine for him.  I looked at him and asked what he thought.  He looked at the monitors and all he could offer was “well,  she isn’t brain dead?  That was the best thing he could muster up to say.  It just hit me wrong and I ran into the hall screaming and crying, she’s dead and they are just afraid to tell me over and over.  No one ever came out to tell me it wasn’t true one way or the other.  While Bill comforted me in his arms we still didn’t know a thing.

That day she had the last rites, both from the Hospital Priest and from Father Martin from the Priory, Lizzie’s high school.  Family and friends were there.  Very emotional


December 27, 2012

Bill and I were both spending the night on the floor of Lizzie’s room together.  Huddled together in the corner, sleeping on egg crates on the floor we cautiously would sleep until a doctor would come in to check on Lizzie.  There was the neurological test which involved poking and prodding to see if they could get some sort of response from Lizzie.  The neurosurgery team in charge checking her out and various other doctors coming in for a peek.  All the while no one committing, no way wanting to say much of anything.  The main doctor, Dr. Steinberg, was monitoring from afar as he had left on vacation about the day we arrived.  Left behind is no shortage of doctors who view themselves to be experts.  We were always booted out of the room twice a day, once for morning shift change and  once for evening shift change.  It was two hours from 6 am – 8 am and the same for the evening.  During the early morning we had no choice but to wander the halls, look at the art, visit the chapel and find a cozy corner to chat.  These were some of the most honest conversations I’ve ever experienced.  Stripped of any self protective instinct and being in survival mode the truth was all there was.  After coming back from wandering the halls we walked into the room and saw Lizzie.  A doctor was in there and we had asked him something.  It was the usual vague answer, we are trying to support her by machines till she can stay alive on her own.

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